No form of travel is as uniquely American as cruising. Oh, sure, those stuffy Europeans were bringing people across the Atlantic on luxury liners for decades before anyone thought up the belly flop contest. But those ships were also “going to a destination” and “the only way to cross an ocean without getting scurvy.”
No, it took American ingenuity to realize that a much better use of big ships was sailing to Caribbean straw markets, loading the ship with booze and serving enough prime rib to feed El Salvador. Ideally at midnight.
Children Destroying Arcades and Passengers Wile Out
Of course, when you pack a ship with thousands of overserved people who think $179 is a perfectly normal amount to spend for a five-day vacation, sometimes things go a little sideways. And by sideways, I mean a 9-year-old going full Amy Winehouse on a video arcade aboard the Carnival Celebration, which primarily sails out of Miami. This happened, but the complete details are sketchy.
When said “Florida man in the making fourth-grader” was asked why he decided to beat up a perfectly nice game of “Galaga,” he said, “That damn thing be glitchin,’ yo, and it ate up all of my quarters.” His lifetime ban was delivered at trip’s end. His parents got off scot free.
Perhaps this year’s most publicized Carnival cruise ship incident (so far) occurred in that bastion of refined behavior we call Galveston. A 60-person riot broke out as passengers disembarked the Carnival Jubilee after a seven-day vacay.
Reports are that the fight began on the basketball court during the last sea day of the cruise. Further b-ball trash-talking in the luggage area ultimately led to fists, legs and bags flying. Two dozen players eventually were put on the “No Sail List.”
These are far from the only recent cases of bad passenger behavior, though. Back in 2022, a ship-wide melee erupted when jealous partners accused each other of cheating after an alleged stateroom threesome. The brawl went on for over an hour, or roughly 30 times longer than either guy lasted during the encounter.
Social Media Making Things Worse
Sex and alcohol are a distant second from the leading cause of cruise ship stupidity: social media. This past April, a couple named Ocean and Jayla posted a video titled “POV—you successfully snuck gas onto a cruise ship.” As you might have guessed, Ocean and Jayla were not, in fact, rogue OPEC executives.
They were, as you also probably guessed, TikTok influencers bragging about getting a certain green herb into their stateroom. It took security roughly 24 hours to find them out, ask for their autograph and invite them to the back deck.
There’s stupid, then there’s “jumping off the world’s largest cruise ship” stupid—a level that gets you a first-ballot election to the Stupid Hall of Fame, right next to Octomom. In Nassau, a man seeking viral fame jumped off the 11th deck of the Symphony of the Seas, falling 120 feet. Somehow, Darwinism failed and he survived the leap. His death-defying antics were rewarded with a lifetime ban from Royal Caribbean and 3 million new Instagram followers.
It Ain't Just Americans
While America may have perfected the concept of cruising, we’re far from the only ones misbehaving onboard. In Germany, a man was removed from a ship after several passengers reported seeing him pee in bar glasses then — again, I wish I was making this up — leaving them on the bar.
He was obviously kicked off. Inspired by the uber-American experience of cruising, he then did something even more American: He sued. Even better: He won almost $9,000 for the remainder of his cruise fare, expenses and lost vacation time. Given the stock market this year, peeing in cruise ship glasses could be a more viable retirement plan.
A Brazilian employee of Disney Cruise Lines might have an even better plan, though. A cashier in the onboard merchandise shop, the man known only as Gomes (like a futbol star, but for embezzlement) figured out how to activate gift cards from the ship’s payment system and piled up enough to take his family on a $35,000 trip to Disney World.
All told, he racked up over $275,000 worth of gift cards before he got caught. I say give this man a green card! By combining white-collar crime, a cruise ship and Disney in one beautiful story, he couldn’t possibly do anything more American.
This column originally appeared in the July-August 2025 Issue of Hook & Barrel Magazine.
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