There’s a not-so-new phenomenon going around the Internet that has the men of America obsessed. But this column is not about Sydney Sweeney’s Instagram. No, it’s about alpha males, the strong, dominant leaders that, judging by YouTube, make up roughly 125% of the male population.
The term “alpha male” actually stems from a 1948 study of wolves. That study found that each pack had two males who battled for dominance, primarily by taking videos of each other doing burpees. Whichever one was able to say “alpha” the most times became pack leader, which meant exclusive mating rights with females and hosting the pack’s weekly podcast.
The study was largely discredited in later years by a notorious group of beta males called “scientists.” Because they wasted valuable gym time doing stuff like “research,” nobody cared. Later studies conducted by a guest on “The Joe Rogan Experience” discovered alphas all over the animal kingdom, including alpha sloths, alpha ladybugs and alpha jellyfish.
In animals, alpha dominance is usually determined through physical contests where animals fight until one of them dies or asks for his mommy. Since society has sadly begun to frown on asking for your mommy, determining human alphas is a little trickier. So, to help you figure out if you’re an alpha, we offer this helpful quiz, which was definitely not developed by scientists or with any research.
My current relationship status is
A) Happily married
B) Divorced/Single
C) I’m allowed to see my kids for six hours on Christmas.
D) Alphas are never tied down to a woman, which is why I have chosen not to have a date since 2004.
Which pill did you take?
A) Blue
B) Red
C) I don’t trust anything Larry Fishburne offers me.
D) Whichever one Joe Rogan took.
How often do you go to the gym?
A) Three times a week.
B) Seven days a week.
C) My wife kicked me out, and now I sleep in the Planet Fitness tanning bed.
D) Gyms make men soft…or whatever it was Tyler Durden said.
What is your job?
A) CEO
B) Navy SEAL
C) Podcaster
D) Trolling betas on red pill when I’m supposed to be writing code.
The best way to make money in America is…
A) Investing
B) Hard work
C) Having rich parents
D) Drop shipping
When I work out, I always…
A) Stretch
B) Push myself to my limits.
C) Push myself to my limits and make sure everyone on Instagram knows I’m pushing myself to my limits.
D) Bring a ring light.
When faced with another man who wants to fight, I…
A) Try to diffuse it with words.
B) Throw down if I have to.
C) Use everything I learned during my free week of MMA classes.
D) Log off Twitter.
Who did you vote for in the last election?
A) Kamala Harris
B) President Donald J. Trump
C) An obscure third-party candidate I found on TikTok.
D) Voting is for betas.
In the tech world, what does “alpha” mean?
A) Early stage of development and not ready for release.
B) Why are you asking me tech questions?
C) Seriously, I don’t need to answer that.
D) What does Joe Rogan say?
So, Are You an Alpha or a Soy-Boy?
If you answered “A” to even one question, you’re clearly a beta, and honestly, I’m surprised you made it to the back page of a hunting and fishing magazine or hookandbarrel.com. For the rest, give yourself one point for “B” answers, two points for “C” answers, infinity points for every “D” answer and infinity +1 points for every “D” answer that mentions Joe Rogan.
The higher you score, the closer you are to being an Alpha. Now make sure you print up these results and post them on your Tinder profile.
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